Lost Passion

IMG_5127project365About four years ago, my depression reared its ugly head and brought some friends. Initially, I refused help and thought my old habits would pull me through. It was a journey of dealing with feelings of emptiness, suicide ideation, finding the right meds and the right therapist. I would finally feel like I was managing my mental health, but then would relapse for several months.

When depressed, my focus was getting out of bed and just making it through the day. I couldn’t focus on passion, maintaining friendships or new experiences. Basic things like keeping my house clean felt like a herculean task. It became a vicious cycle of not having the energy to clean and shaming myself for being such a crap adult that couldn’t even keep my small house clean.

Before getting sick, I loved photography and cooking and baking (especially for my family and friends). I would sometimes wakeup before work and bake. I had a food and photography blog and it brought me so much joy.

It’s only in the last 6 months that I have been able to manage my depression and experience very short relapses under a few weeks. In a therapy session, I was assigned homework to define my values. It was an incredibly difficult task. Other than stability and knowledge, I struggled to prioritize other values. I didn’t have any kind of spiritual beliefs anymore. I realized that in the struggle to do simple things I lost who I was and what I valued.

As cliche as it sounds, life is too short to just exist. So I’m starting fresh, experiencing new things as well as finding joy in rediscovery of old interests.

The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

post